Things I didn't say aloud at the mall tonight.

(Yes, I did regain my ability to walk painlessly.)

• Cotton dress with poly lining - for those days when you want all the wrinkles, but none of the breath.
  
  
• You know, if I could ever muster the nerve, that strapless "dress" would make a great skirt.
  
  
• I hate this building. I didn't know Escher designed shopping malls.
  

• Note to designers: Seersucker. OR eyelet. Not both. That's just wrinkled embroidery with puncture wounds.
  
  
• Excuse me miss, do you carry this in Not Ugly?
  
  
• Has Macy's stopped carrying women's clothing during its remodel? That seems like a fairly bad idea. (They hadn't, but they did hide the department remarkably well.)
  
  
• Pardon me, high school girl, but has anyone told you that the micro-mini bubble skirt you're wearing with five inch spike heeled pumps and a Nirvana t-shirt looks like a diaper? Besides, Nirvana? You weren't even born yet.
  
  
• Ralph Lauren has gone colorblind.
  
  
• And Calvin Klein has decided that a good way to keep strapless dresses from falling down is to line the upper bodice with latex. Ouch!
  
  
• (At Macy's): That's a cute skirt...wait a minute, that's the dress from H&M. (I'm dead serious. It was the same item.)
  
  
• Note to designers: Just because you can make it out of jersey, doesn't mean you should.
  
  
• Ditto terrycloth. Ew.
  
  
• Why is this size 6 twice as wide as that size 12?
  
  
• Speaking of which, don't you carry any sizes other than 6 and 12?
  
  
• Never mind, here's an 18. Still with the multiples though.
  
  
• Talbots clerks have been hitting the Starbucks hard.
  
  
• Maybe if I scribble out the 1 on the 18, it'll fit...
  
  
• Note to designers: I don't care how short you make it; it's still a mu mu!
  
  
• Too Prom.
  
  
• Too short.
  
  
• Pink. (All pink is too pink.)
  
  
• Too mother-of-the-bride.
  
  
• WAY too Doris Day.
  
  
• This could have been Liberace's favorite table cloth.
  
  
• Polka Dot. Polka Dot Polka Dot. Polka Dot. Polka Dot. Polka Dot.
  
  
• Isn't it cute how in Sears men's sportswear is right outside hardware?