and Whomp.

I know I hinted I was going to answer the previous question, despite not playing very much this round, but once I had written it I decided that what I wanted to say wasn't what needed to be said.

So I'm posting this mainly for the opportunity to say how awestruck I am by the responses so far to the latest question. That means you, zooza, scb, anne and lorijo. (If anybody else has answered, I'm sorry to have missed you.) I was going to comment individually at each, but couldn't come up with much beyond "wow." The honesty, insight and growth amaze me. Everyone has such a fascinating story.

The Question:

What helps you feel like you're worth taking trouble over?

I'm close to concluding that my emotional centers just don't work that way on this topic, but I'll try. I think my bottom line answer is the same as lorijo's - I'm enough for me, but in such a way that I don't bother thinking about it much. The times I've been guilty of "that will do for now," have been less, "that's good enough for li'l ol' me," or "I should buy this 'cause it's cheap," so much as, "If I have to try on one more stupid pair of black pants that won't fit I will set fire to this shopping mall right now." And I know we've all been there.

And doing what I need to do - what I'm satisfied with doing - is mostly habit. I wear some makeup most days - it probably takes about three minutes and is part of the routine, so it requires only slightly more thought than brushing my teeth. My clothes currently do what I need them to do, and are in adequate supply - there's some tweaking I have planned, but if for some reason I couldn't do it, I'd be ok. But getting to that point was a process, and I suppose it's one I wouldn't have gone through if I didn't think it worth the trouble. The system isn't perfect, but it's good enough that producing a reasonable result on the the I-feel-icky days doesn't require too much more energy than on the others.

I do have one story, though, that's somewhat relevant and that puzzles me a bit. I had an extended period of rather mysterious illness starting shortly after I turned 25. Long story short, the diagnosis was a nonspecific syndrome that most closely resembles a mild form of this. (And I do mean mild, comparatively speaking - that article is pretty scary and I had almost none of those symptoms. Also, I've been basically healthy for a good while now, save occasional mild aches and pains and still needing noticeably more sleep than I did before.)

Oddly, during that first year, when I was feeling the worst, I found myself taking a bit more care in my appearance. Nothing huge, effort-wise - my most consistent symptom was extreme fatigue, and I was averaging 15 hours of sleep per day at that point - but things like choosing slightly more formal clothing for work, and wearing different jewelry. I know that some women specifically try harder to look better as a way of making themselves feel better when needed, but for me it was unintentional, and at first, unconscious. I suppose dressing down would have made it harder to stay awake, if that were possible.

I do remember getting a lot of compliments during that time, and thinking it might be some sort of weird Victorian frail woman thing. There were also many occasions when I told people about the situation and they were surprised and said I actually been looking unusually well. Which is flattering, but not what you expect to hear when you're on an extended course of steroids and multiple other drugs and have barely felt like getting out of bed for the past six months. I teased my rheumatologist that his standard line was, "You look great! Now let me take your blood."

Anyhow, I ponder that phenomenon (as well as the whole experience) occasionally, and still don't know quite what that was about. I'll accept it as an odd blessing of a difficult time. I have a feeling that something about it is connected to my best answer to this question, but I'm not sure how.

Pst...Wende...that makes at least five. Spill the beans.