Life at Garden Level

Glorious spring day in Chicagoland, and kids were out playing when I came home from work. Two little girls and a boy, aged around 6-8, were out on the lawn right outside my kitchen window, and said hello as I went into the building. It being so warm out, I opened the windows right away, which the three kids saw as an invitation to talk to me through the screen while I puttered about in the kitchen.

I should specify that I...lack a natural affinity for children. As long as they're not being overtly obnoxious brats, they can be entertaining for periods of less than five minutes. At higher doses I quickly get frustrated and panicky and weepy, even if the kids are still behaving in a way that normal adults find adorable. It's me, really, it's just me. Fortunately, I wasn't in a Wicked-Witch-from-Hansel-and-Gretel mood.

Lexi came in and jumped up in the window, but the fact that there were people there spooked her, and she ran off.

Kid: Why did the cat run away?
Mella: She's not that friendly. Sometimes she's scared of people.
K: Why?
M: I think she's just a little skittish.
K: What does skittish mean?
M: Um...it means she's easily startled by noises and things.
K: Do you have a baby?
M: Me? Oh, no.
K: Because I hear something that sounds like a baby crying sometimes.
M: Oh, that must be the cat.
K: You have a cat?
M: (Um, yeah, short term memory girl.) Yes...here, let me see if I can get her to come back.

(I go retrieve Lexi but she wants nothing to do with the window urchins, and wriggles away.)

K:I've never seen a cat like that! What kind of cat is that?

(Never seen a Siamese cat? Don't kids watch cartoons any more?)

K: What are you doing?
M: I'm loading the dish washer.
K: Oh, I know someone with a dish washer!
M: (You live here. You have a dish washer in your own kitchen.) Hm.

K: Don't you have a daughter?
M: (Is she looking for playmates?) No, I don't.
K: Why not?
M: (Reproductive biology lesson? Nah.) Well, because I'm not married, for one thing.
K: Well, you need to get married!
M: (Holy Grapefruit, it's begun.) Ha Ha. Ok, I'll work on it.
K: My mom and dad are married.
M: Oh, that's good, I'm glad. Hey, don't lean on the screen, I don't want it to break.
K: Can we come into your house?
M: (Oooooh, boy.) No, I don't think that's a good idea.
K: Why not?
M: Well, I have some things I have to do tonight, and also, it's not a good idea for you to go into strangers' houses.
K:You're a stranger???
M: (Oh dear...) Yes, we've never met before, have we?
K: But you're nice.
M: (Drat, gotta work on that). Er, thank you.

K: Did your dad go to work?
M: Well...I'm sure he did, but he lives in New York.
K: NEW YORK??? Where does your mom live?
M: She lives in New York, too, with my dad.
K: Why do they live so far away?
M: Well...that's where they live. That's where their house is, and their jobs. I live here, and my job is here.
K: But why don't they live with you?
M: Well, for one thing, I'm 28.
K: Oh yeah? Well I'm 7 and my parents live with me!
Older sister pipes up: That's because we're kids, stupid! (to me) It's good they're not dead. My mom's parents are dead. They died before I was born. So they're my ancestors, not my relatives.
M: Er...
K: So you live here by yourself?
M: Yep.
K: What do you do in there???

K: (spies Blue Sam through window) Is that a picture of your cat?
M: No, that's just some art.
K: Who made it? Do you color?
M: Hm, no I don't think I've colored in a while.
K: Why not?
M: Well, when you grow up, you usually have fun doing other things.
K: Like what?
M: Well, I like to read books.
K: Can you read us a book?
M: (This is becoming more worrisome, and I'm approaching saturation) You know, I don't think I have any kid books. I only have long books.
K: That's ok.

At this point, and I'm not kidding, they broke into a spontaneous fist fight and ran off.